high-risk investment

I never needed it before.

But when this guy showed up in my life, his absence hit me right away. Ever since I’ve known him, nothing’s really changed, but nothing’s really the same either.

More concretely, I wake up thinking about him, I go to bed thinking about him, and in between, I just try to keep myself busy. This guy’s got me obsessed to the point of making myself sick. But don’t go thinking I’m in love or anything. I'm old enough to know the difference between love and obsession.

I’m obsessed because he’s unpredictable. Sometimes he gives me attention, sometimes he doesn’t. And it’s that uncertainty that’s driving me crazy. I want to understand why. Like, seriously, WHY? It’s just an ego thing, really.

But that’s easy to say. Harder to actually live with. The fact is, I’m obsessed, and I want answers. But at the same time, I’m not about to ask him why he’s so inconsistent with me. I already know his answer will disappoint me and bruise my ego even more.

Because I have a pretty clear idea of what I want him to say. And the chances of him actually saying that? Slim to none.

Basically, here’s how I imagine it.

I’d like him to send me a text one day saying, “Hey, would you be up for a coffee? I’d really like to talk.” And obviously, I’d say yes with the excitement of a kid who’s finally getting the attention they’ve been craving.

The day of the meet-up would, of course, be sunny, the kind of day that just feels like good news. And there, in between sips of coffee, he’d say something like:

“Listen, Inès, I know you probably think I don’t care about you because of how I’ve acted. But the truth is, I was just lost because I really like you, and I didn’t know how to handle it.”

BAM. Plot twist. That’s the goal, right? For him to tell me he’s into me so we can build something solid together.

But I know that’s never gonna happen.

And even in this ridiculously unlikely scenario where he’s being completely honest and I actually believe him. Then what? He’d still have to prove it. With actions.

And let’s be real, the odds of that are pretty damn low. If he wasn’t showing it from the start, why would that suddenly change now? In fact, his lack of effort would probably get even worse once we’re in a relationship. Commitment is tough for a guy like him.

But fine. In this even less likely version of reality, let’s say he does prove it. The guy’s head over heels, fully committed, and actually shows it.

Then what? He’d have to keep proving it. Because consistency isn’t a one-time thing. It’s not like, “Okay, I was consistent for a week, can I get a cookie?” He’d have to stay consistent. And nothing guarantees he won’t get bored eventually and slip back into his old ways.

Because I don’t know much about this guy, but I know one thing for sure: being a shitty guy? That, he knows how to do.

But okay, fine. Let’s keep this fairytale going. Let’s say he stays consistent. For like… six years. Six years of him proving me wrong. A true miracle.

And then one day, just like that, he goes back to being a shitty guy. In this scenario, he’s got stamina.

And what’s left for me then? I’m 36, probably with a broken heart, a fried brain, and self-confidence hanging by a thread. Hating him for not being constant, hating myself for believing he could be.

And the recovery? That won’t be quick. Maybe I’ll waste so much time healing that I never get back out there. Or maybe just long enough that when I finally meet someone else, my biological clock has already left the building.

So yeah, in this scenario, this guy pretty much ruins my life.

And sure, every relationship has its risks. But based on the information I’ve got right now? Betting on this guy is like going all-in on a horse named “Definitely Gonna Trip.”

So yeah. I’ll pass.